When I first started having sex, I was so excited to be having it, I didn’t really care about the specifics — like how respectful my partner was, whether I orgasmed, or how we interacted outside the bedroom. But now, there are things I won’t put up with in bed. If someone’s going to leave me feeling devalued or unsatisfied (or both, because they tend to go together), I’d rather go to bed with myself.
Katherine Schafler, a licensed therapist who runs a private practice in New York, tells Bustle that most of the things we deserve in bed come down to safety and dignity. "Safety means consent for sex, transparency about protection and contraception use, and understanding that people are allowed to change their minds about any aspect of a sexual encounter at any time,” she says. "At the most basic level, dignity simply means that you understand that a human is a human, not an object. Objects don't have feelings, can be used whenever you want or need them, and can be thrown around, thrown away, and otherwise disregarded.”
Here are some things I used to put up with in bed that I just don’t have the time for anymore.
Comparisons To Porn Stars
“Why can’t you put it all in your mouth like porn stars?” “Don’t you want to swallow it?” These are actual questions people have asked me in bed, and they horrify me. If someone is still operating under the belief that real people should act like porn stars, I just don’t have the time to teach them how to be the kind of partner I want, because they’ve got a long way to go.